Daffodil’s Lament
I haven’t written in a few days. The motivation just hasn’t really been there. I’ve been seeing a lot of some of my friends, and perhaps that has something to do with it.
I told Jen about my inappropriate crush. It just came out.
See, I had been walking around telling people that I’d been kind of depressed for a couple of weeks, and Jen finally asked me why. She knows the fellow I was inappropriately crushing on, you see, and I think that I had really not wanted to let anyone know about it who knows who he is. It just…it was just painful and hopeless and stupid, and I didn’t want to reveal it while it was going on.
So, when Jen asked me why I had been so upset for a couple weeks, I told her that I didn’t really know why. And when I said those words, it seemed like the truth. Less than a moment later, I told her,
“Wait, no, that’s not true. Here’s what happened, but don’t tell anyone, because it’s over and it’s ridiculous anyway.”
It was all because of this guy that I was just so gloomy. How bloody awful.
I still feel funny around him, like I don’t quite know how I feel.
I know he likes me, and it doesn’t matter in what way he likes me because he is married. Period.
So, it did feel good to get that off my chest.
I’ve also seen a lot of Peter and Mack over the past couple of days. They were playing a lot of gigs in order to celebrate St. Patty’s Day, and I ended up going to a couple of them. I had a lot of fun.
Peter seems to be showing me a lot of attention, which I enjoy immensely, but I can’t help but question.
Wherefore the change?
I feel very loved, though, and that’s always good. If I can teach myself to just take his affections in stride, well, then I will have used this experience for good, rather than evil.
Last night, actually, I went up on stage with Peter and Mack and sang Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead Or Alive.” Their friend Jon was drumming with them, and I guess that he usually runs an open mic on Mondays. He told me that I’d be welcome anytime.
The bar is just around the corner from my house (practically), just a ten minute drive, and I might just take him up on that. It could be lots of fun.
That said, I don’t even know if I’ll make it to my regular open mic tonight. I have the sniffles and my folks say that it just might snow. However, I have a new song that I would really like to play out, and it might be fun to see Peter again and see if his attentions and affections are at the same level as they have been.
After all, last night, he and Mack played my favorite Irish song (“Finnegan’s Wake” a la The Clancy Brothers) within minutes of my walking into the bar. And Peter said over the mic how it was my favorite.
On the flip side, he has been calling me “Little Sis” a little more lately. That could be straight up how he feels about me, or he could be using the moniker to hide his true feelings for me (which is how I initially began calling him–not Mack, who I really do feel is my big brother–”Big Brother.”).
Regardless, Peter and Mack are my family. I love them both a lot, and…
Meh. I’m rambling quite a bit.
Let’s just say that I would be happy to be Peter’s girl if he wanted things that way, but I’m pretty content with us being us the way we are right now.
End of story!
