Evenscry’s Weblog

I don’t feel quite right.
I’m tremendously on edge and cranky in a way that makes little or no sense. It’s as though I feel something dreadful is about to happen, and so I am irritable in my waiting.
Of course, there is little indication of something dreadful about to happen. Things just keep on keeping on as they always do.
Maybe that’s the problem.

I am having a hard time motivating myself to do much today.
Of course, I did only just officially wake up about an hour ago. I woke at more appropriate hours in intervals, but then drifted back into a sleep riddled with dreams that were pleasant to experience, but uncomfortable to wake from.

I dreamed of the man from my inappropriate crush.
I drove toward my house, very slowly, and saw him walking on the side of the road. I tried to drive slowly to avoid being noticed, but also to keep an eye on him. This made sense in the dream, but I realize that in reality, the best thing would have been to drive quickly, or to turn off somewhere that was not in my neighborhood.

At some point, I was no longer in my car. I hadn’t parked it or anything. I just didn’t have it anymore.
I walked beside the young man.
I was garbed all in black, which, as I wasn’t working in the café, seemed peculiar. He was in the last ensemble I saw him wearing. (I don’t know why that seems important, but it does.)
We stopped walking a few houses from my own house, and he turned to kiss me. We kissed passionately for a while on the sidewalk, and we walked holding hands for a while. And then he turned and kissed me again.

It was a dreadful dream from which to wake.
Reality is cold and stark and cruel.

Maybe we were kissing good-bye. I should look at it as such, I think.
I can’t allow it to be more than that, this dream. It would only send me back into a tailspin regarding my feelings for him.

I’ve been aloof with him lately. If he’s noticed, it’s probably hurt him.
He may not have even noticed, though. I do make mountains out of molehills.

I wish that I could meet someone appropriate, someone untethered, and someone somewhat romantic.
I’m truly tired of being alone, and I’m just fed up with looking.
This drags me down and makes it difficult for me to look on the bright side.
I’m about to turn 29, which many people have told me is simply not old, but I’m lonely, and I’m lost.

When I have days like today, I find it difficult to write, or at least write things other than a whining blog entry.
I’m hoping that maybe a hot shower and running a few errands might shake me out of the doldrums a bit.

Open mic tonight.
I don’t even know what songs I might play.
One of the strings on my guitar is acting up, and it isn’t the one that was acting up last week. (Which is still acting up, which I suppose means that there are two strings on my guitar that are acting up.)
It’s rather frustrating.

I also can’t seem to get those songs I’ve been working on to work right either.

I’m just a ball of happiness today. ( A small smile just crooked its way onto my face.)

I’m listening to The Be Good Tanyas’ Chinatown right now, and they always cheer me up some. And the sky is bright and full of blue-backed sunshine. I can’t spend the whole day moping now, can I?

I’m off to attempt productivity.