Evenscry’s Weblog

I am in a terrible mood right now.
I just wrote to a friend of mine to tell her that I cannot go to her wedding in Ohio this June. I just can’t afford to make the trip, and though I didn’t tell her this, I’m honestly a little scared to make the flight by myself. I haven’t taken a flight since 2002, and though one would think that 2002 would be more scary than 2008, it’s just been so long since I did it that I’m really nervous.

Between the money and the nerves involved, I just can’t do it.

There will be both spiritual and karmic fallout, but  this was truly the lesser of two evils.

Plus, at least now I will be free to look for a different job. Not that I necessarily will,  of course,  but I was holding off on the job search because I have vacation time at the bookstore that I could have used in June. Now that doesn’t matter nearly so much. Horizons are more expansive now.

My friend Gil thinks that I should be an author, which is funny, as he hasn’t known me more than a few months. It’s only funny because I very much would like to be an author. I just don’t really know how to go about being an author, really. I mean, other than writing. I mean, that’s a great big “duh” right there, and given that I write about writing on here on a regular basis….

Ah, whatever.
I have the hardest time finding a writing idea and sticking to it.

Today is certainly a pretty ramble.
I feel a little freer, though, now that I’ve sent off the e-mail to my Ohio friend to let her know.
I guess we should have known that we would grow apart once she moved from NY to OH that such things might happen. I know that she didn’t want it to, but really. I barely even saw her when she moved back to NY from CT, you know?

(I love talking to myself.)

I made an On-the-Go playlist on my iPod to cheer myself up a bit. It’s heavy on the Jack Johnson and Dar Williams with some Iron & Wine, Toad the Wet Sprocket, and Guster for good measure. I might do a little yoga before work (I’ve been saying this for weeks to no avail, but…) to calm myself further. I’ve been really high strung and unhappy the past few weeks, and I think a heavy part of it was this impending June wedding. I knew that if I were flying out I would have to find a ticket on the soon side, for financial reasons, and….ugh.

Anyway, I saw Mina and the wee one yesterday. Spending time with Mina and her family always makes me feel better, even if there is nothing bothering me. I feel really blessed to have them in my life. Mina has been listening to my being upset about this wedding nonsense for the past couple weeks, and I don’t know if I would have finally contacted Ohio if it weren’t for her.

I am definitely feeling less-than myself.
I think that winter needs to end.
I also need to start taking better care of myself.
I haven’t been eating right, drinking enough water, or moving around enough.
I’ve been thinking too much, again, about being single.

This all must fall away.
I must take better care of myself and find something more emotionally and spiritually expansive to consider than my current romantic status.
There simply are no men around in whom I have even the slightest interest.
I know that part of me cocked a hopeful eyebrow in Captain Danger’s direction when we first started being friendly again a couple weeks ago, but it was just reflex. We’re too different, which is something I didn’t see when we spent so much time together a year ago hence.
Time away is good for friendships, sometimes. It definitely brings perspective, which can certainly be too easy to lose.

All right.
The Decemberists’ “Grace Cathedral Hill” is nearly over, a song that brings a sad smile to my lips, and from which today’s entry’s title derives.
And now this entry ends as well.

Ta.