Act I, sc i.
It has struck me, as of late, that I have never had anything in my life that I have deemed worthy enough to fight for.
I don’t fight for love, but merely wait around, hopeless.
I have nothing I’ve ever wanted enough to really work for, to struggle for.
One could argue that my M.A. and even all of my coursework toward my teaching certification should prove that I’m willing to work, but honestly, schoolwork comes to me easily. I can be enamored with any litany of academic subjects, and I am easily swayed by the interests of those around me. When I know that I’ll have someone with whom to discuss the things in which I am interested, I become doubly interested. And then I start to wonder where the original interests came from in the first place.
At least, that is how I see it now, I think
I think that I would like to be an author, but I suspect that I am afraid.
I fear failure; I fear the unknown.
I also fear what my stories will tell others about myself.
I think that I present this sweet and compassionate face to the world, slightly sharpened with the edge of sarcasm and a cynic’s tongue. I’m afraid of being less than sweet, less than good.
(Despite the lack of religion in my life, I somehow struggle daily with how good a person I am or am not.)
Fear keeps me from doing the simplest of things.
I won’t cut and dye my hair the way I want to because I fear how my family will react. I fear that I won’t like it and that it will affect how others view me. I fear the disappointment of others.
So I stay sweet and mousy, instead of dark and different.
I don’t know that there is anything for which I would take a true stand. What kind of role model could I be?
Do I always take the easy road?
Do I?
Although, it wasn’t easy to put my foot down with that one, that boy, that man.
He broke my heart, and I tried to mend it all, and it never happened, not the way I’d hoped.
He’s back, but not really. He’ll never really be back, and we’ll never be who we once were.
It’s all a grand muddle right now.
I hope that I can tease it out aright.
I just want to know who I am.
Maybe this blog will help me.
